Chidi's Answer
by ZebJeb
Summary: Set at mid-season final for season 4. Chidi had lifetimes to figure out an answer to the problems to existence. Now he just needs to convince The Judge to hear him out before she enforces a terrible judgement.


AUTHOR NOTE – Set at the mid-season break of Season 4

After awakening in the Judge's chambers, Chidi listened calmly to Eleanor as she quickly explained the problem they were now facing.

The Soul Squad had proven that the Points System of the afterlife was completely broken. To solve the problem, Judge Gen had decided to erase humanity from existence (retroactively). The Janets of the afterlife (Good, Bad, and Neutral) had all teamed up to buy some time to hide the humanity erasing button from Judge Gen. At most, they had an hour to devise a new afterlife and prevent humanity from having never existed.

Chidi knew that he should feel anxious. He should be crippled by indecision. He should have a stomachache. Instead, he felt… at peace. He looked at the source of his calmness and smiled as he stared into Eleanor's eyes.

"Got it!"

Everyone looked over at Judge Gen, who had just shouted, as she stood next to a Janet whose boundless white void she had just popped out of.

"It's been fun guys, but time to, you know, erase your species and the Earth. I'll miss y'all."

As her finger went to push the button, Chidi stepped forward.

"Wait! Your honor, before you press that button, please give me a chance to convince you to change your mind."

Judge Gen smiled lecherously at Chidi. "Well, helloooo Chidi! For you? Sure. But, if I must listen to you, I'm going to need a little something to make it worth my time."

In a blink, Chidi's clothes turned into a mailman's outfit with exceptionally tight shorts.

Judge Gen smiled as she went to sit at her desk. "Much better!"

"Yeah it is!" muttered Eleanor. Chidi looked over at her with fond exasperation. Eleanor grinned back.

"Now" spoke Judge Gen, "let's get on with this. Give me your best shot, and then when I say no, I can finish this whole case and take a vacation."

Chidi gulped, took a deep breath, and then stepped forward.

"Your honor, I understand how frustrating this has been for you. I really do. I have spent my entire life, and hundreds of afterlives, and second life I guess, looking for the one answer that would solve all the problems in the universe. It would make existence so much easier if there was a simple answer. The problem is, there isn't a single answer. That's why the Points System failed."

Chidi began to pace. "It must have felt much easier back when this all started. You were judging cavemen, and they lived simple lives. The Points System probably seemed like a perfect answer. A simple solution for judging a simple people. And, I would assume, that stayed true for a long time. But, eventually, people started to socially evolve. We became more complex. We started to become increasingly interconnected. The number of unintended consequences for our choices started to increase exponentially. And, while the Accountants continued to assign points to our thoughts and actions, the underlying system remained simple and unable to account for the complexities of human life. Good people were being punished because the system was broken."

Judge Gen rolled her eyes. "Yes, I know that. That was what your team was trying to prove. Humanity is being destroyed so hopefully a species will evolve that is less complex. Do you have anything NEW to add?"

Chidi nodded. "Right, the thing is, you refuse to become more complex to match the people you are judging."

"Are you calling me basic!?"

"Uhhh… I don't know… Eleanor, is that what I am saying?"

Eleanor shrugged. "Kind of. I would recommend not insulting the all-knowing Judge of all things who holds our fate in her hands, but I trust you man."

Chidi smiled at her blunt honesty and open trust. He then turned to Judge Gen. "Then, yes, you're basic!"

"It's ya basic, by the way… probably not important", spoke up Eleanor.

Chidi continued. "The thing is, not only are YA basic, but so are the accountants, and so are the people in charge of The Good Place. In fact, it seems like it's only those in The Bad Place, and the Janets, who have grown to meet the complexity of humanity. Do you remember how Shawn was torturing Shakespeare by telling him the plot to the Entourage movie? That a complex torture and it's not unique. They have conferences to discuss better ways to torture humans. I mean, they're awful, but they're at least willing to experiment and become better in their fields. Maybe it's because they are required to interact more closely with humanity, or they mildly fear some form of death, or… I don't know. But they grow while the rest of you stagnate."

Judge Gen's face grew evermore irritated. "That uniform is losing its sparkle, so wrap it up Chidi."

"Right! They grew because they experimented. Eleanor grew because she worked at becoming better. The rest of us grew because Eleanor was pulling us along with her. The point is that the correct answer to how the afterlife should be arranged is that we need to experiment. We need to keep trying until we find the right answer. We keep trying until we find an answer that ensures the right people are being punished, the right people are being rewarded, and those capable of growth are given the chance. And we start to see problems, we experiment some more. There is an eternity to experiment and find the different right answers for the different right people. If you press that button, your honor, you are not solving the problem. Erasing humanity does not fix the broken system, it simply hides your mistakes. If you press that button, you are admitting defeat. You are admitting you are not only incapable of performing your job, but that you are actively refusing to do that job. Please, your honor, work with us!"

Judge Gen stared at Chidi for several tense seconds. "So, pressing this button is admitting defeat? Yeah, I'm OK with that."

To a chorus of panicked shouts, Judge Gen pressed the button.

The humans looked around in shock, mainly because they continued to exist (as opposed to having never existed).

Judge Gen sighed in annoyance when a keypad appeared in the air in front of her.

"Oh, right! It needs my 4-digit PIN. What was that again? Right, my birth year. 0000. I really need to change that. It is too easy to guess."

After completing the number, a ding sounded as a new Janet appeared next to Judge Gen. This Janet wore a bailiff's uniform and spoke in extremely formal tones.

"Hello! I am Janet! I am here because you have triggered the erasure of humanity. Please confirm you wish to perform this act of genocide."

"Huh, well that's new" spoke Judge Gen. "Yes, I confirm."

"Confirmation accepted. Please hold while your decision is evaluated for acceptability. If found acceptable, humanity will be erased. If found unacceptable, the current Judge will be removed from her position and retired via the process known as The Eternal Shriek. This will take 27.3 seconds."

Judge Gen's eyes widened in shock. "What do you mean, retirement!? I am the Judge! The final arbiter of all disputes in the afterlife. There is literally no one above me who gets decide on the acceptability of my decisions! I can't be retired!"

"Incorrect. For further details, please consult with the manual for your humanity destroying button. And, analysis complete. Decision has been found unacceptable. Current Judge to be retired immediately."

"WHAT!?" was all Judge Gen could say before disappearing, followed by a soul chilling scream that slowly faded from the chambers.

"New Judge being selected now. Judge selected."

Everyone looked around, until noticing that Michael was now wearing black robes.

"No…" spoke Michael. "No no no no! I can't be the new Judge. I wouldn't even know where to begin."

Bailiff Janet looked at Michael. "All selections are final, unless you wish to be retired. Do you wish to be retired at this point in time?"

"NO! No, I accept… I guess."

Michael looked at Eleanor, Chidi, Tahani, Jason, Janet, and the Bad Janet who had changed teams to support humanity. "Can I keep my squad with me?"

Bailiff Janet smiled. "Of course, you are The Judge. The afterlife is now yours to shape. Goodbye!"

The soul squad smiled as Bailiff Janet disappeared with a ding.

* * *

In a boundless white void, stood a man watching a large screen that projected the scene in the courtroom. A smile played across his face.

With a ding, Bailiff Janet appeared.

"Excellent job, Janet. It's a shame about Gen. I wish she hadn't forced my hand. Still, it looks like we are now getting on the right path again. Eleanor will make sure that Michael doesn't slip too far into his demonic ways, Chidi will keep Eleanor balanced, and Tahani and Jason will… well, I'm sure they'll help too. I knew we could count on Chidi if we just gave him enough time. How does it feel to have your memories back and looking like a normal Janet again?"

"It is… interesting. Though, I miss my old form and home.

"Well, free to do what feels most comfortable. You've earned it."

With a ding, Bailiff Janet transformed back into the "Neutral Place" resident known as Mindy St. Clair.

With a smile Mindy stretched out her hands. With a ding she was now holding a large duffle bag stuffed with cocaine.

"Ah! Momma's got her medicine. Now that everyone has moved out of my house, I am thinking of having a party. Are you coming?"

"I'll be right there."

Mindy disappeared from the void, leaving the man alone.

The man grinned. It had taken many millennia to notice the problems in the Points System, and even more millennia (filled with countless failures) to subtly manipulate the afterlife to find a demon like Michael (The Good Place committee was a lost cause) who was willing to experiment and eventually see the problems. He had no idea what the right fix would be, so he kept making sure the Soul Squad would have as many chances as possible to hopefully come up with some new ideas that would work. He would never have guessed that the answer would be Eleanor, and it was nice to be surprised after all this eternity. With the afterlife in good shape, it was time to go hands-off again and give them a few million years to sort things out before he checked in again.

With his job done, he ran his fingers through his scraggly dark hair and said two words before dinging (mixed with the sound of wind chimes) out of the void to go see Mindy.

"MAXIMUM DEREK!"


End file.
